Dear Sir,
With this letter
you will have had served on you an injunction preventing you from contacting our
client.
Our client was
touched to receive a partridge in a pear tree from you. She was amused when a
further partridge together with two turtle doves appeared. She became concerned
when the third partridge and tree arrived, this time accompanied by more doves
and three French hens.
On the fourth
day of Christmas a further partridge arrived, this time with four calling birds,
a further three French hens and more doves. The gifts were getting out of hand
and she asked you to stop. She had to pay for somebody to construct an aviary
and a hen house and she was running out of space to plant the pear trees.
The five gold
rings which arrived on the fifth day of Christmas were a pleasant change to the
birds that were now arriving. Her neighbours were now complaining about the
bird noise.
The six geese that arrived on the sixth day
created further problems for our client. She was by now getting desperate to
stop these unwarranted gifts. The
neighbours complained further and she has now been visited by the council. They
say that she is running a zoo without permission and the noise of the animals
is a nuisance.
By the time the
seven swans arrived (along with all the other items that came each day) our
client was starting to suffer from nervous exhaustion. She visited her GP who prescribed
anti-depressants. She again asked you to stop and made it clear that the
relationship between the two of you had come to an end.
The eight maids
a milking that arrived on the eighth day were pleasant enough. It was the cows
they brought with them that made matters worse. The waste products from the
cows and the various birds mean that our client is now being prosecuted for
polluting a water course.
The nine dancing
ladies when they arrived meant that, with the eight maids milking, the house is
horribly overcrowded and our client is also being prosecuted for this.
Our client is at
a loss as to why you thought ten lords (whether leaping or not) was an
appropriate present. She sought our advice when you said that you were going to
send her eleven pipers and twelve drummers. The house is now uninhabitable due to all the
animals that have overrun the place. The
food standards agency is prosecuting her for running a dairy farm illegally and
she is being further prosecuted due to keeping animals inappropriately.
Please note that
any further deliveries would be a breach of the injunction and could lead to a
sentence of imprisonment.
Yours faithfully
